Are you happy? I’m finally writing, and though I’m writing now, I know that I’ll stop in a few days. Because that’s exactly what happens to me. I lay down my fancies on this one thing, start doing it, pour my heart out and then piss all over it until it fades away. Quilling, card-designing, embroidery, cooking and the works, everything went down the same way. And that’s happening now, it’s happening as we speak. I’m in a rut, and I don’t want to move out of it. And you? You seriously thought that we could’ve been a hit? Nah. I think I’m too afraid of the relationship rut. I mean, for a month or two, it’s all mushy mushy, then you’ll be like, What’s the big deal! And I’ll start looking at other men. Although I won’t cheat on you. No, cheating’s the worst kind of rejection and I know what rejection feels like. I’m the poster child of rejection.
It’s just that – It’s really difficult to get up and start doing what you want to do. Procrastination rules. So one day, you make up your mind and get up early, settling in on all the things you want to achieve, basically getting a fucking headstart on things. You announce your plans to everyone around you to get some backup motivation in place, read up on all the ‘anti-procrastination’ blogs that you can find, and on day one, you actually get some work done. Brilliant. Phew!
On Day 2 though, you’ll want to stay in bed a little longer. Take a longer shower. Read a few more blogs. Hit the keyboard a little less. At a very fundamental level, the things that motivated you to get started on your plan will start laying their velvety trap around you, sinking slowly into your psyche, eating away at your embarrassment until you’re not ashamed of being lazy at all. Procrastination 1, Goal 0.
It isn’t as if I have no goals. Actually – maybe I don’t. I just have a lot of dreams. I dream to be on the front page of Forbes magazine, I dream of assisting Chris Nolan or perhaps just Vishal freakin’ Bhardwaj on the set of one movie!
I dream of kissing Mia Khalifa. I don’t care how many blowjobs she has given out, I just want to do it. I dream of designing my own anime, I dream of writing books and books and books, and even though I constantly shy away from writing a page a day, I formulate all the witty answers to the witty questions that Barkha Dutt is going to ask me. I dream of being a size zero, even though I exercise as little as possible and keep buying dresses in sizes a little too small in the hope that I’ll fit in them one day. I dream of meeting J K Rowling and asking her why she had to kill Dobby. And, I dream and dream and dream.
Sometimes, when I’m dreaming, like REM sleep dreaming, I get trapped. You know, you feel like you can see all around yourself but you can’t move. It’s all in the mind, but it’s scary as hell. Sleep Paralysis. They say you haven’t experienced fear unless you’ve seen your share of sleep paralysis. It’s like I’m in a dream and then something impossible happens, like watching my dead relatives smile at me or hidden rooms in a wall in my room. That’s when I realize it’s a dream. It’s all happening, and you know that something isn’t right, some detail will put you off. I once saw I had blue hands and I realized that I was in a dream. That kind of dream is called a Lucid Dream.
It’s not that good, however. Not creating your own worlds. Dreams maybe, but not worlds. Yeah, don’t roll your eyes at me. I sometimes get the feeling that I have created a dream, because it keeps happening the way I want it to happen. But, usually the shock of being in a dream lands you into a Sleep Paralysis episode. You can see around, but your entire body is frozen, and sometimes you feel like you’re screaming at people to shake you awake, and sometimes they actually do it, but then you realize that even that is a dream, no one shook you awake, it was all a dream. And then, you dream some more, find yourself still paralyzed, then you dream some more, and then it becomes a loop until you wake up. Sometimes, the episodes are so intense that I get scared about dozing off again. That’s literally the worst kind of shit that can happen to someone, to be trapped in a dream and to relive it over and over again, like an infinite loop. A rut at its best.
I remember – Once, I had this dream about this guy who once asked me out and I said no, because he was so popular and I was this mousy little underling and so I was completely sure that this was some creepy way of him bullying me, even though he was very nice to me and his friends were really the assholes who picked on me. What’s crazier, he asked me out a couple of months back and it’s been like 10 years since we were in school and so much has changed but not the way I feel about myself, especially around others. I mean, this guy was so nice, even back then, but he never said anything when people picked on me. Nobody said anything. Funny, it’s cooler to say madarchod when you are in your eleventh grade, than to tell your friends to not bully a girl.
It’s so hard to believe that these monsters who bullied me back then now follow me on Instagram, and shower me with compliments, because, well- ‘Ruchika, you have an amazing taste in clothes, you are a trendsetter!’ Yeah right. And I’ve so forgotten that I used to call you a kali billi back in school for your dusky complexion and it’s an entirely alien concept that Ruchika hasn’t forgotten, and that she wants to push you down the stairs. A word for you, a lifetime of hate for me.
Anyway, I once had a dream about this guy, and a girl who’s a little senior at work and the two have no connection whatsoever and in my dream they were dating, and I was so jealous, even though I’m happily married. Anyway, something happens in the dream, I don’t remember it that well. But, it was a good dream, I felt good about it, like really good, even though I was jealous at first. Nope, not a threesome, but something really nice. Anyway, I woke up suddenly in the middle of my dream, and I almost said shit, which is what I usually say when I’m stuck in sleep paralysis. It felt like I was entering the wrong dream when I woke up in the real world. And I felt like Dicaprio’s crazy wife from Inception whose name I can’t remember. I like my dream life better than the life I live.
No, I’m not suicidal. Maybe a little crazy, but definitely not suicidal. Although, sometimes I think about jumping off cliffs – wondering if I’d be able to fly. I flew in a dream once, and then I fell, and then I woke up and I couldn’t explain to my husband why I was crying. It’s just a rut. Like a loop of dreams that I don’t like. Maybe I’ll wake up soon. I just have to hold on till then.